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GOVERNMENT JOBS

According to my parents, the mark of a good job is having benefits, specifically health insurance. Both my mother and my father have worked government jobs for most of their adult lives and the government always overpays its workers and gives them a full ride when concerning benefits. Additionally, work standards for any government or bureaucratic job are appallingly low. All of which is why my parents have always thought I should work for the government. Of course it isn’t always easy getting a government job. To begin, they have to have openings and you have to qualify and also tend to need to take a test for it. It helps tremendously if you know someone who’s somewhat high up too. They don’t always hire the quickest either. It can take years to get called up to the Chicago Police Department and it takes every longer to get called up to the Chicago Fire Department. Both pay extremely well for entry-level positions (around 40,000 or so to begin and then an upgrade to around 55,000 the next year). I’ve never signed up to take the physicals for either because I just don’t think either job is for me. You’ve got to be true to yourself if you’re going to make something your career.

COMMUNIST MANIFESTO

A couple of months ago, I was doing some dusting at my parents’ house and moved the TV set around on its stand. The TV slid off and hit me in the head. Yeah, it hurt and I still had to lift that heavy TV back up onto its stand, but I was basically fine after my head stopped throbbing. In fact, I even started thinking it was pretty funny. When I told my brother about it, he stared at me blankly for a few minutes. Then he told me to call an injury attorney to sue my parents since the whole thing had gone down at their house. His logic was that I was helping clean up their house and that was work and I had gotten injured while working. I told him I was fine, but he shook his head and kept prattling on and on about suing my parents. My brother’s always been something of a character, you need to understand. He just thinks about things differently than everybody else does. Lately, he’s been reading Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto and getting all these weird ideas about work. He even quit his job at a shoe store because he felt disconnected from the actual work. But he’s selling shoes! How connected is he supposed to feel to that?

MEDICAL BILLS

I have no idea whether I should call a PI attorney or not. I know if someone injures you, you should since that’s a tort and it’s a part of the law that personal injury lawyers handle. But this is more complicated than that. In fact, it’s outright bizarre. It’s the type of thing that could happen only to me. Basically, a skull bit me. Its mouth was hanging open and it snapped shut on my hand. Those teeth were sharp and so I was losing a lot of blood. Naturally, I went to the hospital. Here’s the thing. My friend owns that skull because he’s a medical student and was playing a practical joke on me. He didn’t know the teeth would be so sharp and slam down onto my hand like that. Still, there are medical bills and I was even sent to the emergency room. My hand should be fine, but there’s no telling the kind of damage that those teeth could have done. My friends seriously needs to be taught a lesson and know that sort of thing isn’t funny. Still, he is my friend and I know neither of us needs the hassle. I just can’t let this pass though. What am I supposed to do?

COMMUNIST MANIFESTO

A couple of months ago, I was doing some dusting at my parents’ house and moved the TV set around on its stand. The TV slid off and hit me in the head. Yeah, it hurt and I still had to lift that heavy TV back up onto its stand, but I was basically fine after my head stopped throbbing. In fact, I even started thinking it was pretty funny. When I told my brother about it, he stared at me blankly for a few minutes. Then he told me to call an injury attorney to sue my parents since the whole thing had gone down at their house. His logic was that I was helping clean up their house and that was work and I had gotten injured while working. I told him I was fine, but he shook his head and kept prattling on and on about suing my parents. My brother’s always been something of a character, you need to understand. He just thinks about things differently than everybody else does. Lately, he’s been reading Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto and getting all these weird ideas about work. He even quit his job at a shoe store because he felt disconnected from the actual work. But he’s selling shoes! How connected is he supposed to feel to that?
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POLITICIANS IDEAS

I had just lost my job at an insurance company. My girlfriend had left me for an ugly, out of shape middle-aged man, and, on top of all that, I had started losing my hair. I sat back on my friend Tim’s couch and stared blankly at the ceiling. Finally, he offered some herbal treatments to start making everything better. I thought he meant something to rub on my scalp and make my hair grow back, but instead he rolled a joint in front of me and lit up. Soon the room smelled like incense. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t indulged in marijuana since my college days. I had put that away with everything else as I turned to more adult matters. I still had a beer every now and then, but I mainly focused on my work and my long-time girlfriend with whom we had been making plans to eventually marry, though I hadn’t actually proposed to her yet. Now I had lost all that and had no reason not to smoke up other than the ridiculous reasoning of the DARE program. Marijuana is not a gateway drug. Politicians don’t want it to be legal since then everyone would smoke it and lie around instead of going to work. So I took a hit and started feeling a lot better.

THE GOVERNOR

Today was the meeting for our support group. We meet twice per month. I had just purchased some lancets, and I got there a little late. Mr. Callahan was there. So was Jim. The group director said that we were going to have a new member, but before she could introduce him, we had to swear ourselves to silence about who he was. We stared at each other. A few moments later, the new person came in. Now I know why we had to keep quiet about who he was. It was the Governor. I couldn’t believe it. Jim, either. He simply introduced himself by name, no title, and sat with the rest of us while the group leader started the discussion. We all went around and introduced ourselves, with the Governor going last. When it came to naming his occupation, he said paper pusher. We all laughed. He then added that the papers usually get pushed right back at him. He seemed like a much nicer guy in person than how he appears on TV. He also looks thinner. I had heard that television makes a person look fatter, so I guess it’s true.

JUDGEMENT DAY

On one of the shows my dad made me watch, the plaintiff actually brought along his personal injury attorney to help. My thing is, if you went through the trouble of actually getting an attorney of any kind, why would you go on one of these shows to get a judgment? Of course the judge, Judy I believe this one was, did not even want to hear what the attorney had to say. The plaintiff asked him to speak and she sat him down and wanted to hear from the plaintiff only. The guy of course was not prepared for this and could not speak as well as his attorney and even though his argument was sound and the defendant could not deny anything, she still won the case. I always feel bad for those people that loose because I am sure if they went to an actual court with the kind of evidence they had, they probably would have won. Not to discount those judges’ credentials or achievements of course, I am sure they worked hard to get where they are, I just think they could have chosen something a little more credible to do than get on television and find the most outrageous people to pass judgment on.

POLITICIAN

My father’s not a politician, but he sure knows a lot of them. He does a lot of campaign work for a few aldermen, passing out their brochures and literature, making calls for them, and such. And since he knows these aldermen and these aldermen know a lot of people through their wards and their political and business connections so my father gets to know these people as well. My mother was driving on the highway and got between this speeding car and a truck and got all banged up along with the car. One call to an alderman and my father had a whole list of car accident attorneys to pick from. The lawsuit only took a few months and my parents got a nice cash settlement from it whereas a lot of people would have had to work harder for longer and had had a lesser settlement. The problem is it’s given my father this sense of self-importance he hasn’t really earned or deserved. He likes walking around, thinking he’s the alderman. At times, he seems to think that he’s the mayor of the entire city and can do whatever he wants. It’s not really him that’s making these things happen he doesn’t realize. It’s his friends, but he doesn’t get that.

BLAMING GEORGE BUSH

I’ve worked for GE Home Security, installing their home security systems, Lexicon, installing their printers, at 7-11, pouring slushies for people, and at the airport, working in a bookstore in a terminal that nobody ever wandered into. I’ve also worked in real estate and sales and these jobs never went anywhere. For a while, I worked in customer service, but after a few months of that, I felt ready to hurl myself off a bridge. Seriously, no one wants to spend their entire day listening to people complain about everything and then blaming you because you just happen to be on the other end of the phone. Now I’m looking for work again and have no idea what field to go into. I look at want ad’s in the newspapers and on the Internet. I’ve called all my friends and bother various staffing agencies every week. So far, nothing has come up. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. My parents constantly blame George W. Bush, saying he wrecked the economy and that the jobs aren’t out there. Yet, I could show them dozens and dozens of job opportunities. It’s just that for some reason no one wants to hire me. I get interviews every now and then and, like anything, they sometimes go well and they sometimes don’t. What do I do now?

LAWYER DAN

When we got home we thought more about the making some additional money from a small cut on any cut tools sales that end up at the hardware stores made us think that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea, and we thought that before we made any deals we should contact Dan. Dan is our lawyer, and he should be able to give us the straight information on what we should do. I called Dan myself, and he thought we should come in to see him. We agreed, and made an appointment for next Wednesday. Dan had been our lawyer for years, and he always gave us good advice. This time was no different. He could see the disappointed look on our faces, and he said that you cannot mix the not for profit operation with business. He said that we can start another small business and then have that business be responsible for any sales and receipts of sales that comes from any learning seminars. We thanked and told him we would think over what he said. When we got outside, we decided that it was just too much trouble. It was for the better. We thought we better build our operations and stick to the mission of the organization.

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